


Merry Men

by amfiguree



Category: American Idol RPF, Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Popslash, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Reality, Crack, Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-08 06:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amfiguree/pseuds/amfiguree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You'd think that after 43 seasons, this show would be out of gimmicks. Apparently not. For those of you who've missed it, the Bachelor is going gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bachelor Recap: Episode One

  
  
You'd think that after 43 seasons, this show would be out of gimmicks. Apparently not.  
  
For those of you who've missed it, _The Bachelor_ is going gay.  
  
If you've been wondering why ABC's been holding out on photos of the contestants (or why I _finally_ agreed to take on recapping this show), this would be the reason. (Two words: Naked. Manflesh.)  
  
In this season premiere of _The (Newly-Gay) Bachelor_ , we, along with Bachelor David Cook, are introduced to 18 other bachelors (note the lack of capitalization there), 6 of whom are going to be sent home at the end of the hour.  
  
The show kicks off trying to get us invested in David, an Idol contestant who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the seventh season of the show. "It was probably the hair," David jokes. Based on the clip they aired, he's probably right.  
  
Several minutes are spent in a 'day in the life-esque' montage of David working out, plucking at his guitar, and hanging out with a couple of his friends (a cleverly engineered scheme to bring out how good looking David is compared to the Average Joe, sorry guys).  
  
David then reveals that it was his brother who sent in an application to the network under his name, and he was "totally bewildered" when he was called in for an interview. He was "apprehensive at first" but is now "glad to be part of the flagship attempt at gay TV reaching out to a wider, more general audience". (Yawn, we've heard this before, can we get over the PSA and skip to the manflesh already?)  
  
Finally, we're introduced to some of the guys. There's Nick Carter, for one, a big, blond, blue-eyed power boat racer who's "looking for a reason to stay onshore"; Michael Johns, a tennis coach (or Guy with the Sexy Aussie Accent); Jared, a struggling actor with a smile that lights up the room, and brothers Jason and Michael Castro, whose hairdos deserve their own TV shows (if the cops don't find their stash of weed first.)  
  
Host Chris Harrison starts quizzing David on whether he's been burned in the past, what he's looking for in a relationship, and what he wants out of the whole show (duh, someone he can connect with, and a recording contract, respectively). I'm yelling at my TV set because Harrison has apparently forgotten that David is not actually a woman.  
  
Then the rest of the motley crew is brought out and introduced to David. Based on my expertise, I'm going to give you a breakdown of their chances.  
  


  1. David H. instantly becomes my favorite bachelor when he says, "In the interest of full disclosure, I used to be a stripper." He better be staying. (Is that my naked manflesh bias showing?) Bachelor David scores major points for laughing it off like it's no big deal.  
  

  2. Brian has just the right blend of charming and dork to make it. I'm sold.  
  

  3. Justin, struggling musician with a side of diva. He's smooth, but I'm on the fence. Hopefully we'll start seeing some potential.  
  

  4. Lance. He's a regular Southern gentlemen, and boy is he pretty, but I'm not convinced he's going to make it very far.  
  

  5. Michael Johns. Sure deal. I'm pegging him as a finalist.  
  

  6. AJ. The man needs to learn to say no to tattoos. Then again, so does David. I'm going to go with 'there's potential'.  
  

  7. Jensen, possibly god's gift to straight women and gay men everywhere. He seems shy (or boring) but for that face, I think David will be willing to overlook it. Or maybe that's just me.  
  

  8. Howie, a real estate tycoon. He seems sweet, but he's not right for this show. Next!  
  

  9. Chikezie. Kind of laidback. Kind of boring. He's not going to last long.  
  

  10. Jared. Confident without being smarmy, and a total sweetheart to boot; he just wants to "take it slow and see if there's anything there". I know he'd be my second finalist.  
  

  11. Chris, a psychologist from Pennsylvania. I can't decide if he's crazy or coming on too strong. Either way, he's a barrel of laughs, which makes for good TV. He needs to stick around.  
  

  12. Kevin. Full out creepy, and his bushy almost-unibrow only adds to that. There's mystery, and then there's I'm-hiding-a-cleaver-under-my-bed. When he says, "I'm looking forward to spending more time with you," David seems to be leaning towards the latter explanation.  
  

  13. David "Archie" A. He's giving Jared's smile a run for its money, and he seems like a genuinely sweet kid--but therein lies the problem. Is he even _legal_? I don't see him staying long.  
  

  14. Nick. He seems more interested in talking about himself than in David. He's a goner.  
  

  15. JC. He's a good-looking fella, but discussing tea leaves and a possible entwined destiny doesn't make a good first impression. A little too heads-in-the-clouds for David's (and my) taste. He's done.  
  

  16. Joey works with children in a daycare center. He seems nice, but he's not making much of an impression on anyone. He's going to get the ax.  
  

  17. Michael C. You can chalk it up to hormones, I don't know, but there's just something about this guy that I like. Plus he's worth keeping around for his (pink) hair alone. David will have to figure out if he's awkward or actually arrogant.  
  

  18. Jason. Seriously? I want to know where this guy gets his weed. He's a sure thing.



  
  
Once the bachelors have all been introduced, Harrison herds them outside to give David a chance to ~~see his potential soul mates get naked in the pool~~ get to know them better. T-shirts are shed, Speedos are introduced, and most of the guys seem eager to get with the program. Except for Archie, who seems content to hang out by the side of the pool with a glass of punch.  
  
It makes him the first to score a couple of minutes with David, during which his inability to form coherent sentences is oddly endearing ("I don't really, um, like, taking my clothes off in front of an audience is weird and stuff, I don't know."). David thinks he's "hysterical".  
  
Michael Johns comes over and makes small talk with David for a couple of minutes, before David goes looking for Jensen (I'm surprised he waited this long). Jensen wracks up points by steering the conversation towards music, but they're interrupted by Harrison bringing out the First Impression Champagne a la _Boy Meets Boy_ (they're doing away with roses, thank god).  
  
Howie decides it's time to make his move, and he comes out of the pool to talk to David for a moment. Unfortunately, David seems about as interested in real estate as Howie is in toweling off (which is to say, not at all).  
  
David H. gets a minute alone with David, then, and they seem to make a connection, especially when David asks to be shown "a move or two". (Details are fuzzy at this point, as I am mostly concentrating on the overwhelming mass of wet, naked torso appearing on my TV screen. And this show is rated PG.)  
  
Chris somehow finds a way to join in the fray, and he pulls Jason along with him, which gets a laugh out of David. Unfortunately, Nick comes along and manages to ruin my party with his lack of appropriate dance moves (that said, he is looking pretty drunk at this point). Then AJ pulls a non-sequitur by commenting on David's tattoos, and the pair end up discussing AJ's stint in rehab, which David knows takes a lot of strength to do. He admires AJ's candidness. To break the tension, AJ cracks, "So you're saying you'll respect me in the morning?"  
  
(If that's his way of drawing attention to the activities that would lead up to said morning, it works.)  
  
The Castro brothers swop hairstyling pointers with David after that, before Kevin hijacks the conversation with a (creepy) smile and a glass of white wine that I'm kind of relieved David doesn't touch. They start talking about hunting (something Kevin is clearly experienced in, and David isn't) but Chikezie quickly swoops in before the conversation can turn awkward.  
  
Then Harrison announces that it's time to give out the First Impression Champagne, and David angsts over making the decision before finally giving it to AJ.  
  
There's applause from everyone but Creepy Kevin, and then Harrison c-blocks everyone who hasn't gotten the chance to get David alone by asking David to follow him back inside the house. David talks about his first impressions of the bachelors so far (and he's totally PC about it, _boring_!) and then we're shown a montage of nervous faces as David reappears outside.  
  
Without too much fanfare (okay, there might have been _some_ fanfare, but there was also a long row of half-naked men, which might have led to my missing it), David picks Jensen, Jason, Michael Johns, David H. (score!), Lance, Justin, AJ, Chikezie, Jared, Archie (who almost takes Joey out as he flails in shock, and provides the second highlight of the night when he says, "Oh my gosh, but I don't drink, sorry! I - I'd really like to stay, though?"), Michael C., and Chris.  
  
That means Joey, Nick, Brian, Kevin, Howie and JC are the first six bachelors to be sent home. (Sorry, guys. I hear Making The Band is still holding tryouts.)  
  
Those who've made it celebrate with another round of champagne (and punch), while outside, JC rambles on about how "it just wasn't in the tea leaves," which is weird, and Kevin says, "You'll never know what you missed, David," which only adds to my psycho-serial-killer theory.  
  
If there's a freak accident in the house next week, you'll know who to blame.  
  
So, which man do you wish we'd gotten to know better, and which man caught your eye? Am I totally off the mark? Who's going home next week, and who would you crown Homecoming Queen?  
  
Sound off below, and stay tuned for more (hopefully naked) manflesh next week.


	2. The Bachelor Recap: Episode Two

In this episode of _The Bachelor_ (otherwise known as _Baywatch for Women_ ), the 12 bachelors are pitted pain(t)fully against each other in the hopes of scoring some alone time with David Cook. Some of the guys (un)dress to impress--or to give it a valiant shot, at least--and someone gets sent home.   
  
I have a Mojito standing by, just in case.  
  
The season premiere is briefly recapped to reintroduce all the contestants, during which Kevin's brief reappearance diminishes his Creepy factor by, oh, _zero_ , and I lose myself in the green of Jensen's eyes (this would be funnier if I were mocking him).  
  
Then the show opens to the pale morning sky, with the sun barely peeking over the horizon, and the house almost completely still. There's a soothing, Enya-like dreaminess to it all. I begin to cheer at my TV set and hope that most of the bachelors sleep in the nude.   
  
My cheers are mostly answered.  
  
The men are jerked awake by the worst rendition of the morning wake-up call the network can muster, and AJ's flailing tumble out of bed receives a perfect 10 for execution. As does Lance's bedhead's impression of Cousin It.   
  
Chris is the first to cackle his way into the toilet, easily beating (a half-naked) Jared to the punch. ("Try lining up for the bathroom with four younger sisters ahead of you, man, it ain't happening.") In the bathroom across the hall, Archie ambles to the nearest sink and sticks his head under the tap, because he's "totally not a morning person, oh my gosh."  
  
The remaining contestants start crawling out of bed and making themselves presentable, and during the pandemonium, Justin gives us a quick, cursory tour of the house, making what is apparently supposed to be witty commentary--he should really leave that to me and concentrate on looking pretty. He makes a brief stop outside the room the Castro brothers share (I've started referring to them as the Dreaded Duo in private), and we stumble in on Jason combing Michael's hair. Yeeeeeeah. My brother would rather sell his G.I. Joe collection than touch a hairbrush--and it's a big collection.   
  
I'm thinking ABC needs to get their ratings reviewed.   
  
And then install night cameras in the bedrooms.  
  
So the bachelors are herded off to a mystery location 20 minutes later, which turns out to be a paintball site. Various enthused versions of, "Awesome!" and "Cool!" are thrown out, and they're repeated when their paintball guru announces that the last man standing will get one-on-one time with David later in the day. Then it's off to find Chikezie "a fat suit" (or maybe he means 'phat', either way), and the game is under way.  
  
Justin announces that he's going to take the prize, because he "wants that alone time _so_ bad, dawg", and is promptly shot at by Chris. Jared's out next. Then Chikezie and his phat suit. Then Archie takes Jason, Michael C. and AJ out in all of two seconds, as he is apparently a child prodigy at weaponry. Lance and Jensen face off, but Lance draws the short stick. Michael Johns picks off David H. Archie catches Jensen right in the chest. Michael Johns hits Archie's shoulder. It's down to the final two. I yell at the TV set. Chris and Michael Johns lock eyes. The music swells.   
  
Chris says, "Hey. You think we should just go for this thing together? Could be awkward."  
  
It's like Potter vs. Diggory all over again (yawnfest), except this time the prize is less trophy, more Dumbledore's love. As Potter and Diggory celebrate, Krum (Justin) scowls darkly at the camera and Fleur (Archie) gets manly slaps on the back for her valiant efforts. My Mojito helps to make the Harry Potter analogy seem wittier than it probably is.  
  
The winners are given a few hours to primp for their two-on-one date (Chris thinks this is a sign, but I am skeptical) while the rest of the boys are whisked off to meet David at the beach. David's late, so Jared challenges the others to a game of Water Frisbee. (Or maybe it's Water Polo. Mostly I don't care, since either sport leads to my weekly dosage of naked manflesh.) Lance sits this one out (to get a tan while he naps) and Archie mostly just sits out anything involving the water or getting naked.  
  
This is apparently a winning strategy, because Archie gets to spend a couple of minutes alone with David when the Bachelor finally gets there. I may have had one Mojito too many because I start to find it adorable when David asks if Archie has a phobia of water, and Archie flails hysterically in response. They start talking about Archie's family (he's the second of five kids) and why he's doing the show (his friends signed him up because "they don't believe I'd ever get a date on my own, which I _totally_ would, I mean, just because I'm a little shy or whatever--oh my gosh, stop laughing at me!") before David's roped into joining the Water Frisbee/polo game.   
  
The teams have been split into the Js (Jason, Justin, Jensen and Jared) and the Others (Chikezie, David H., Michael C., and AJ). David ends up joining the Others to "even the scoreline", which I lose track of because I'm busy watching wet skin gleam in the sunlight.   
  
Back at the house, Michael Johns and Chris are getting dressed, swapping jokes about their possible date location from their respective toilets. They think it could be a trip on a hot air balloon, or a dinner date at an exclusive club. Michael Johns hopes it's going to be something involving a hot tub. I wonder how they found enough time to watch all twelve hundred seasons of the Bachelor.  
  
At the beach, the game quickly degenerates when Jared attacks Jensen for letting the winning goal through. AJ scores himself a moment alone with David when he rescues him from the resulting water fight, and David notes that he's "only deceptively scrawny". AJ agrees, but that might be because he doesn't have the biggest vocabulary.   
  
Justin attempts to interrupt them, but the rest of the bachelors quickly join them, and David would clearly rather talk to Jensen about his siblings than to Justin about his spectacular non-win. Jared finds an opening in the conversation when Jensen starts talking about his home in Texas. My knees go weak when they bring out the Southern accent (although that could just be the alcohol), and I feel the sparks fly.   
  
The Castro brothers briefly entertain David by talking him into making sand angels with them (seriously, okay, if you're their weed dealer and you're reading this, give me a call), and David H. earns himself another twenty thousand points in my book for buying David a drink with a little umbrella in it.   
  
Chikezie joins them before David H. manages to get David drunk, but David only stays for a couple of minutes before he's whisked off to meet Chris and Michael Johns for bowling. Lance apparently has a sixth sense for perfect timing, and he finally wakes up from his catnap as David drives away. Cue insta-sulking, which Archie takes the brunt of, possibly because his default response to bitching of any kind is awkward gesturing. (One might argue, however, that this is his default response to anything.)  
  
By the time David pulls up at the bowling alley, I am three and a half Mojitos down and rapidly losing interest. I note that I do not share the show's enthusiasm for sports dates.   
  
David is a decent bowler, a trait Chris apparently does not share, and this allows Michael Johns to beat them by an embarrassingly large margin. (Side note: Chris is much easier on the eyes with beer goggles - or four Mojito goggles - on.) As they gear up for round two, Chris switches game plans and spends the next half hour cracking David up. Michael Johns quickly gets in the spirit of things and joins in. David ends up dropping his bowling ball no less than five times, while I spend precious time mopping up spilled alcohol. David deems his score for that round "unprintable". He thinks Michael Johns and Chris should consider a career on the road.  
  
Then Chris asks how David feels about long distance relationships, and the trio decides to share their relationship philosophies over lunch. At the end of the meal, David admits to being pleasantly surprised by Chris' more serious side, and thinks he and Michael Johns have a good chemistry. He offers both of them glasses of champagne and asks them to stay.   
  
It's not much of a head start, since the Champagne Ceremony takes place once lunch is over and the trio gets back to the house. Chris Harrison announces that it's time to send someone home, and that two of the bachelors have already been asked to stay. Chris and Michael Johns move straight to the safe zone, and Lance looks upset about it. (Obligatory Harry Potter analogy: Lance looks like Ron Weasley did when he saw Hermione with Krum.)  
  
David hands out champagne glasses to AJ, Jared, Jason, David H., Jensen, Michael C. and Chikezie. That leaves Archie, Lance and Justin, but there's only one glass of champagne left on the table. I'm starting to think I've had more alcohol than I can handle.   
  
Then David calls Archie up, and pulls out a rose from the inside of his jacket pocket. He says he knows Archie doesn't drink, but he'd really like it if he stayed. Archie reverts to default response mode, which makes David laugh. He adds that he also thinks Archie would be able to score a date without any help, and Archie blushes and says, "Oh my gosh, but - but not with _you_!" which cracks the Bachelor up even more.  
  
(At this point I've _clearly_ had too much to drink, because I catch myself giving them a mental "awww".)  
  
Justin and Lance are left, and David cuts to the chase and offers Lance the champagne glass without too much suspense. Justin refuses David a hug and scowls darkly as he leaves. The other bachelors raise their glasses (sans Archie). Outside, Justin declines giving an interview as he storms away, and I'm starting to think Kevin the Unibrow Killer wasn't the only psycho in the mix.   
  
Lastly, I am apparently more intolerant of David's tendency towards PC-ness when I am drunk, because the last thing I jotted down in my notes is: "David thinks that him and Justin just weren't on the same page, blah blah blah."  
  
What do you think? Should David be given lessons on how to be a bitch? Was the right guy sent home? And, most importantly, whose naked manflesh would you like to see more of?  
  
Leave your comments below, and remember to tune in next week.


	3. The Bachelor Recap: Episode Three

This week, on _The Bachelor_ , the network continues to retain my (intermittently) undivided attention with the cheap thrill of naked manflesh. The contestants do their best to rock David's world, and those who don't decide to work on their poker faces.   
  
In what is clearly an attempt to see just how far they can go before they alienate their core audience (i.e. women with a keen interest in male parts, especially when nude), the show opens to reveal sports gear. A lot of it.  
  
It looks like the boys are going mountain climbing, which clearly does not involve revealing any kind of skin. I only acquiesce to a temporary ceasefire with my TV set because of the brief recap of last week's naked beach manflesh they aired two minutes ago.   
  
Jensen and Jared are in the midst of a discussion over the last elimination as they get ready to go. Jensen seems nonplussed - both at Justin's departure and the way Jared's arm slung around his shoulder dwarfs him another two inches - and Jared's happy as long as it's "not me or this guy." Apparently, the estrogen levels in this competition are trying to give The L Word a run for its money.  
  
Next door, Jason is giving Michael Castro (his brother) what looks suspiciously like a foot-rub. My shot of tequila does not make the scene any more appropriate.  
  
Cue Archie, who beams at the camera as he declares his love for rock climbing, even though he "totally fail[s] at it, haha". It seems prudent, now that I'm one shot down, to decide that he must have the strongest cheek muscles in the world.  
  
Then the boys set off to meet David for their fun in the sun. In the car, David H. and Michael Johns start swapping pointers on the best way to keep their grip on the rock. Chris makes the "obligatory bad joke about feeling up the hard stuff", and AJ gamely joins in. Archie spends most of the ride the color of a tomato, and Chikezie earns cuddly, fluffy teddy bear points for trying to distract him with talk of music. It seems appropriate, seeing as they are possibly the only two contestants on the show with nothing to contribute to the topic at (or is it in?) hand.   
  
David's already set up when they get to the location, and he exchanges a quick hi with the group before everyone else starts changing into their gear. Lance takes the opportunity to pull David aside and apologize for falling asleep on what might have potentially been his "one true shot at romance". David seems unconvinced.  
  
I wish I could chug my second shot.   
  
Wish fulfillment is one of my strengths, so I start on a beer when the next five minutes are spent on watching the bachelors put on their gear. Predictably, Voiceover Guy announces that the bachelor who makes it to the top of the rock in the shortest amount of time wins a date with David.  
  
The next several minutes are spent alternating between beer and vodka, as the boys make it up the rock with no real mishap or revelation of naked manflesh. I am toying with the idea of switching the channel when Chris and Chikezie become the first two bachelors to run out of breath a quarter way to the top (their feet barely leave the ground). They decide to sit this one out.  
  
David is apparently attracted to people on the non-winning side of the spectrum, because he ends up spending a couple of minutes making small talk with them about their families and their life goals (To which the answers are: "Honestly? I don't care what I do. I just want to be rich so I can keep food on the table for my Mama and sisters," and "I'm thinking about doing something in singing, man, just gotta find the right time to start.").  
  
The Castro brothers are too wrapped up trying to play footsie with each other on the way up the rock to have any real bearing on the timings, and Lance makes it up in six minutes, but is disqualified for suspected tampering of his partner's (AJ's) harness. I am beginning to suspect that there is something about this show that attracts the Crazies.   
  
The rest of the timings are unimpressive - or I am too wrapped up in my alcohol, I can't tell which at this point - and then there's a problem with Archie's harness, and he almost doesn't get to go. Fortunately for him, David insists they find him replacement gear, and Archie winds up getting to spend a good nine minutes of quality time with David as they make their way up the rock together. They share a moment when they reach the top together (composed of awkwardness and laughter, what else is new), but that is nowhere as impressive as what Jared and Jensen do next.  
  
They seem to be the only two taking the competition seriously, (and if they are anywhere near this quick in the bedroom, David is going to be sorely disappointed) but Jensen ends up winning by a couple of seconds -- Jared is literally two seconds behind him. I suddenly realize that I am on my knees in front of my TV set yelling at Jared to pick up the pace.   
  
Another shot seems like a good idea.  
  
Then David and Jensen are whisked away to a secret location, complete with champagne and a hot air balloon. The conversation is stilted at first, but eventually Jensen relaxes and starts "opening up". He talks about life growing up, his failed attempt at Hollywood, and what he's looking for in a long-term relationship. David reciprocates in kind (but not in quality) with a couple of jokes. I am wincing into my beer along with Jensen, who gamely plays along.  
  
The show spends three minutes revealing that the rest of David's repertoire of jokes are of the same standards as his first, and I only barely resist changing the channel because we cut to a commercial. When the Bachelor returns, Jensen and David are already in the limo on their way home. David has one final surprise up his sleeve, though, because he presents Jensen with another glass of champagne and tells him that "anyone who can survive that many pirate jokes without flinching has earned his right to be here, man."  
  
Jensen clearly concurs with David's assessment, because he agrees to stay another week. They share a peck on the mouth, which David helpfully points out is the first kiss of the season. Jensen shyly acknowledges makes him feel good, because he wasn't sure they were connecting at first.   
  
The schmoop is killing my buzz, so I start to perk up when they get back to the house and the first thing I see is naked manflesh. The other bachelors are in various states of distress (Michael Castro is down to his boxers, and I am thinking about campaigning to keep him that way for the rest of the show), and David heads inside without having to be invited, saying, "Looks like I missed the real action."   
  
Jared's expression is priceless, but Jensen just looks amused. AJ asks David if he's interested in joining them for a couple of rounds, (like they aren't all jonesing to see the Bachelor naked), and David lets himself be cajoled into a game of strip poker.  
  
Everyone else is in, except Archie (obviously), who is nowhere to be seen, and Michael Johns, who is mysteriously missing.  
  
Jason says that shirts are the starting bet, which should not make sense, but does in light of the fact that he is one half of the incestuous Castro brothers.   
  
There is a murmur of protest that's drowned by the sudden introduction of _Quit Playing Games with my Heart_ in the background, and David H. quells what remains of it by gamely taking his tank top off. I hear myself cheering as I'm reminded all over again of why I'm watching the show. AJ and Lance follow suit. My nose is practically against the TV screen. Chikezie, Jared and Jensen take turns shedding some skin, and finally, David takes off his own shirt--  
  
I am underwhelmed. Looks like someone didn't get the Gay American Body 101 memo. His agent needs to fix him up with the gym, pronto.  
  
Jared is not as discriminating as I am, however, and he proceeds to ruin the first round by leaning too far right during an attempted sneak peek at David's cards and falling into David's lap. It is a mental picture that I will be falling asleep to for at least the next week.  
  
Chris Harrison comes in midway through the third game to announce that it's time for someone to go home, and he automatically becomes my favorite reality-TV show host when he doesn't give the bachelors any time to put their clothes back on. It's like watching a telecast of Manhunt.  
  
A spluttering Archie and a mysteriously smug Michael Johns join the rest of the bachelors in the room, and, in the name of fairness, are made to take their shirts off. Again, Archie spends the rest of the ceremony like a blushing bride, quickly taking his glass of sparkling water and a spot next to Jensen when David calls his name first. Joining him are the Castros, AJ, David H., Jared and Michael Johns, all of whom accept their champagne.   
  
It's down to Chris, Chikezie and Lance, who does not look pleased. Chris is called up, and solemnly tells David that he's "glad to be getting a shot towards my next step to wealth". David briefly threatens to change his mind, but doesn't follow through.  
  
He calls both Chikezie and Lance up, and begins his spiel on how he's really enjoyed his time with them both, but--  
  
I feel myself zoning out as I reach for another shot, and when David says, "You both seem like really decent guys, and I hate to have to do this--" I officially decide to refuse to put anything David says in these ceremonies to print until someone gives him a crash course on what to say to make for riveting TV.  
  
My (far more interesting) take: David wasn't as turned on by Chikezie's phat suit as he might have hoped, and Lance is coming on too desperate. In the end, David offers Chikezie the final champagne glass and sends Lance home, because he doesn't think he can be with someone who won't share ~~where he got such a fabulous nosejob~~ his true self.  
  
What did you think of this episode, readers? Are you as sick of the sports gigs as I am? Has Jensen gotten another step closer to the dream of becoming America's first Bachelor Pick? Is Lance's nose as fabulous as David thinks it is? Who's going to be eliminated next?  
  
Sound off below, and remember to stay tuned for more in next week's episode.


	4. The Bachelor Recap: Episode Four

In this week's showdown, the bachelors race to the finish to prove they're willing to get their hands dirty, but in the end, only one of them gets to waltz away with the prize. Where by prize I mean one-on-one time with the Bachelor, and by waltz I mean... well, waltz.   
  
I'm starting to question (more than usual) my decision to recap this show, and even the bikes aren't enough to quell my regret. More sports, ABC? _Seriously_?  
  
That's right, ladies and queens (and fellow disgruntled TV recappers just trying to make ends meet): today, the bachelors are going dirt-biking. After at least a week of celibacy, testosterone levels are at an all-time high, and the guys trade the usual mandatory dirty riding jokes as they're saddled up in their gear. I toy with the mint leaves in my nearly-empty Mojito glass while I try not to fall asleep.   
  
Who knew dirt and wheels weren't my thing? (I knew.)  
  
To add insult to injury, there is zero sign of naked manflesh. The bachelors are given a short talk on safety (as well as full-length fireproof bodysuits, because they are apparently all liable to explode into flames at any given second) and it is revealed that the winner of the race will get to go for a private lunch with Prince Charming (while the rest of them presumably go back to trying to set themselves on fire).  
  
It only takes downing the rest of my jug of Mojitos to get me pumped for the race. Suddenly Chekizie tipping his bike over at the start line is the most hilarious thing on the show. Jason gives children everywhere a free demonstration on why weed and heavy machinery do not mix when he swerves into David H. and takes them both out of the race. Jensen and Michael Johns pull ahead. Chris and Michael Castro battle it out for third and fourth place, AJ on their tails. Archie (looking surprisingly edible in his biking gear, rawr) lags behind as he attempts to help Jared keep his balance.   
  
Another life lesson, kids: do not put oversized puppies on motorcycles.  
  
[ **Edited:** Came back while (relatively) sober and thought about removing my cougar comment re: Archie in his biking gear. Cued up the ep again to prove it was the alcohol talking and realized--nope, not so much. Leaving it in.]  
  
Chikizie appears out of nowhere and crashes into Jared, but Archie neglects to mention that he has seen the Tokyo instalment of the Fast and the Furious eight hundred times, and somehow manages to narrowly avoid disaster. (My carpet, on the other hand, is not so lucky. I was aiming the alcohol at my mouth, but I flunked the course on hand-eye coordination-while-drunk in college (aka beer-pong).)  
  
Archie also manages to get past AJ, Chris and Michael Castro, and I am about to consult my 8-ball on the chances of him leading a double life as a Russian spy when Voiceover Man announces that Michael Johns has won the race.   
  
The first thing Jensen does is check up on Jared, and the show indulges in a long, slo-mo moment of Jensen patting his ~~boy~~ friend down, complete with campy Cher music. It is my favorite scene of the series thus far (that does not involve naked manflesh).  
  
Then the Bachelor steps out of the stands where he's apparently been watching the whole thing. He looks like a dirty-chic Calvin Klein model (as opposed to just dirty) (or jailbait) but with my Mojito-goggles on, even the heavily tattooed pirate on my beer bottle label looks attractive.  
  
David stops to have a few words with each of the bachelors, and then is spirited away with Michael Johns to a scenic picnic spot on top of a cliff somewhere. I doze while they share champagne and "connect". Then my left boob twinges (Sheila is my naked manflesh radar) and I realize the show is interspersing David and Michael Johns' love story with the remaining bachelors going skinny dipping back at the house.   
  
The Castros are helping each other undress, and I slosh even more alcohol on my carpet when I cheer. I decide to write in to ABC to let them know that the only acceptable sports dates henceforth should always involve skinny dipping. AJ and David H. compare their junk, and the camera cuts to Jared looking over and laughing. Jensen is stealing glances at him, and he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says, "It's a pool full of naked, good-looking guys, man. 'Course I'm gonna look."   
  
I am unbearably turned on.  
  
Then the show cuts back to Michael Johns and David trying to figure out the basics of a waltz, and I pass out after choking on my own laughter.   
  
Sheila wakes me up again just in time for me to see Chris push Archie (fully clothed) into the pool and jump in after him. I yell at her for failing in quality control. ABC makes up for it with David H. giving Jensen a lapdance in the pool. Judging from his (and Jared's) face, I am more excited about this than they are.  
  
I also spend the next date interlude replaying the scene in my head. (For those of you invested in the Bachelor's emotional journey, you'll be pleased to hear that him and Michael Johns share a long, face-melting kiss, and then several shorter sweeter ones, during their ride back to the house. Michael Johns is also offered a rose. Which he accepts.)  
  
Chikizie is worried when Chris Harrison calls them all inside and tells them the champagne ceremony is about to start. He keeps his shirt off. I decide he must be _want_ to be sent home. I start yelling, "Fire him! Fire him!" at my TV.   
  
David ~~fires him~~ does not offer him a glass of champagne.  
  
I cheer.  
  
David starts to explain why Chikizie isn't the right one.  
  
He is so unprintably boring that, out of desperation, I headdesk too hard and have some sort of rage blackout. When I come to, the credits are already rolling.  
  
So what's the verdict, readers? Was Chikizie's birthday suit too much to handle? Is Archie ever going to (voluntarily) take his clothes off? Are you as close to giving up on David finding his true love as I am?  
  
Keep those comments coming, and remember to tune in next week for more hopefully naked manflesh.


End file.
